Together

De multe ori cand am intalnit mame, mai ales mame cu copii mici, mi-au lasat senzatia ca vorbesc doar despre copiii lor, ca universul lor graviteaza in jurul pruncilor si ei sunt singurele lor subiecte de conversatie. Acum, dupa 3 luni si jumatate, ma aud si pe mine pomenindu-i numele tot mai des, gandindu-ma recurent la lucruri legate de bebelusi...Prima reactie a fost sa ma frustrez, sa simt ca eu dispar incet printre scutece si ore de alaptare, sa incerc sa creez o patratica pentru Carol, una pentru mine, nu de alta, dar m-as vrea sa ma pierd. Si azi mi-am dat seama ca el ma imbogateste, nu ma acapareaza, cu conditia ca eu sa il tratez si pe el ca pe un om, unul care pentru inceput are nevoie de prezenta mea neconditionata, dar care va ajunge independent si nu trebuie sa cred (desi simt) ca va fi vesnic atarnat de mine. Incerc sa ii ofer atentie, sa fac ce trebuie pentru ca el sa fie sanatos, dar in fiecare clipa sa nu uit ca sunt si eu, chiar daca acum ma definesc si prin calitatea si bucuria de a fi mama, nu sunt doar asta. E un proces de devenire subtil si care probabil va dura multi ani de acum incolo, e o renuntare la orgoliu pe de o parte si constientizare a feminitatii pe cealalta. Venirea lui Carol m-a obligat sa ma oglindesc, sa ma gandesc la ceea ce fac, ce vreau, ce sunt si imi e clar acum ca nu m-am preocupat prea mult inainte de el, traiam dintr-o inertie, nici chiar in timpul sarcinii nu am fost sincera cu mine, cu ideea de a vrea si a avea un copil. Asa ca acum invat, alaturi de el, alaturi de partenerul si tatal lui, in fiecare zi sa imi primesc trairile (care sincer, nu ma asteptam sa fie asa de tumultuoase, dar se pare ca hormonii de alaptare si de maternitate sunt ca niste vulcani:)), sa depasesc senzatia de "pentru totdeauna" si pe cea de "niciodata" si sa raman cu mintea si sufletul limpezi, ca sa ne bucuram impreuna de aventura!

EN: Many times when I met mothers, especially those with young children, I fet like all they talk about was their babies, as if their entire universe spins around their infants and they are their only conversation topics. Now, after three and a half months, I hear myself saying his name more and more, oftently thinking about baby related things... My first reaction was frustration, the feeling that I slowly disapear among diapers and breastfeeding hours and trying to create a space for Carol and a space for myself, because I don't want to lose the "I". And today I realized that he enriches me, not taking over me, but I must treat him like a human being, one that for the beginning needs my complete presence, but he will grow independent and I don't have to believe (although I feel this way), that he'll be forever hanging on me. I try to offer him attention, to do what is needed for him to be healthy, but in every moment not to forget that there is also me, even if now I am a mother too, I am not only this. It's a subtle process of becoming, that will probably last for many years, a let go of the ego, on the one hand and the conquer of feminity on the other. Carol's arrival in the world forced me to see myself, to think about what I do, what I am and it's clear to me that these haven't cross my mind too much  before him, I lived in a sort of inertia and even during pregnancy I wasn't actually honest to myself, to the idea of wanting and having a baby. So now I'm learning, together with him and his father, my wonderful partner how to deal with my feelings every day (that honestly, I wasn't expecting to be so strong, but it seems hormones during motherhood are like vulcanoes:)), to overcome the feeling of "forever" and "never"and to keep my soul and my mind clear. so that we can enjoy this adventure!